For those who have moms with dementia, Mother’s Day can feel heartbreaking. So I write this for you. Depending on if you are caring for your mom at home or if you are caring for her in a memory care facility, some of this will apply; some of it won’t. Your mom may not know or remember that it’s Mother’s Day. But you will.
You have probably been mourning losses in her, piece by piece, as you watch her memory fading and her behaviors changing. The saying is true: “when you love someone with dementia, you lose them twice.” She is still there, yet she is not there in the same way.
She might not be able to verbally communicate at this stage. She might stand stiffly and not reciprocate a hug anymore. Or maybe she’s unable to stand or sit up now. She might not be able to calm her fidgety hands—tugging and pulling at her clothes or grasping at something unseen in the air. Maybe she stares right through you. Maybe her smile has disappeared. Her eyes might appear as though she’s lost inside them. Maybe it is hard for you to even find a glimpse of the mom you once knew. Maybe she doesn’t remember your name anymore.
No—she won’t know it’s Mother’s Day. But you will.
Sit with her anyway. Be present with her. Give her something comforting and soft to hold. Rub some of her favorite lotion into those worn hands, so that she can recall the scent she once enjoyed. If she is still able to eat, think of a treat she always liked and give her a taste. Gently hug her, even if she can’t hug back. Speak softly to her of happy memories. Brush her hair. Play her favorite song on your phone for her. Look at old photos with her. Mail cards to her with beautiful pictures on them. If she is still able to use a phone, call her and speak words of kindness. Tell her you love her. Thank her for all she did for you. And as I mention in my book, “Enter into her world and live with her there.”
Her mind is failing, but her heart still “hears and feels.” What matters most is that you honor her and remember . . . even if she can’t. Love is eternal, and inside she is still your mom.
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